Good day to YOU.

So, I was in Asda’s the other day. This sounds like the set up to a joke, but I can assure, this was no joke. Why would you joke about going to Asda? As I type this, I have an internal monologue imagining a mid-90s observational comedian riffing about going to Asda, and I gotta tell you, it’s pretty awful. “Have you ever noticed, right, like, when you’re in Asda, you can get clothes in there? And they all come with a name label, you know, like at school! But here’s the thing! You only get one choice of name, and it’s “George”. What do you do if your name’s NOT GEORGE? Huh? You’re screwed, that’s what.”

Back to reality for a moment, as I was saying, I was in Asda’s the other day, not clothes shopping (they don’t have any clothes with my name on the tag), but general grocery shopping, bin bags, mouthwash, Capri Suns, y’know, that sort of thing. One thing I wasn’t expecting to see, let alone buy on a general shopping trip, was this thing:

Sigh… I'm going to have to, aren't I? pic.twitter.com/OX7Ow791XT

— shawarma police! (@shawarmapol) February 19, 2022

“Slow Cooked Chicken Shawarma with a Garlic Yog(h)urt Drizzle” – 2 for £7!

Now, I had no idea this existed until I walked past it, and a cursory look on Bing (it’s like Google, but with a sillier name) suggests that the general internet doesn’t know it exists either, so it is my PLEASURE to bring you yet another supermarket kebab review, which according to the stats on this page, remain inexplicably popular.

The small(er) print underneath reads “Boneless Chicken Thighs SLOW COOKED FOR 2 HOURS For Extra Tenderness, Perfect for Shredding”. Sounds delightful. So what does that look like, then? This.

I neglected to take any photos of what this looked like prior to being baked for half an hour, but it’s basically a meat-brick made of fused together chicken thighs, in a strong shawarma marinade, vacuum packed inside a plastic inner bag, but basically, there’s the end result. “Perfect for shredding” – indeed! I can’t imagine you’d want to eat that as-is, but I suspect at some point I’ll try anyway.

In order to get above chick-brick into something vaguely resembling the photo on the box, you need to shove some forks into it, and repeatedly pull this apart until you’re left with a bunch of pulled chicken, which – let’s face it – is exactly what this is. After 5 minutes of solid pullin’ – this is what you get…

Now, the instructions, brief as they are, suggest draining off the liquid. I completely disregarded this advice, and do not regret that in the slightest – ok, it meant that this was an unnecessarily messy eat when it came to it, but I wasn’t going to sacrifice taste at the alter of having to finish off the kitchen roll. That being said, and as tasty as it was, it was missing a certain something – bite. Sure, it tasted great – the cumin heavy spice this was cooked in was pretty top notch, but it fell apart in my mouth a bit too easily. Ideal for some – denture wearers, I imagine – but not me.

So far, I’ve only mentioned the larger of the two plastic packets inside the box – I’ve completely neglected the “garlic yoghurt drizzle”. I’ll come straight to the point – this was excellent stuff, though I don’t imagine the following photo will necessarily convey that:

Forgive the weirdly folded wrap – it came like that out of the packet and I wasn’t about to iron it flat – but there’s your garlic drizzle (and other stuff – more on that later) – really top notch stuff. “Drizzle” makes me think watery – like a salad dressing, or supermarket brand 3% bitter. This was not watery, this was a thick, gooey enjoyment. Best be careful not to stray into innuendo territory at this point, but this was a delight – full on yoghurt with just enough garlic to complement the kebab, and not so much that it ruins it.

You may well wonder “hey, what’s that orange stuff?” – well, the beauty of these home made endeavours is that you can add whatever the hell you like, and I’m pleased to say I totally went to town with additional sauces with this. The orange stuff – and I will concede it’s pretty niche, but it works – that was a tub of Burger King’s “Spicy Mayo” that they give out as a dip with their Chicken Fries. Had a couple left over, so in it went. As did pretty much everything else I could find – Sriracha, Rose Harissa paste, and some mint sauce on the salad alongside the garlic drizzle – and it worked!

So there’s your final product – Asda’s Chicken Shawarma + sauces + salad wrap = this. Pleased to say – because there were two servings in this, and I am but one mouthed, I had another go later with the leftovers, which required reheating. A radical thought occurred – to make it a bit crisper, and to give it a bit more bite, I thought rather than reheat in the microwave, I’d shallow fry it instead with a small amount of oil. I won’t pretend this radically improved the texture, but it did make it a little bit more like eating a shop-bought kebab, so something to consider if you end up buying this.

Overall – a good effort!

Asda Chicken Shawarma

£ – No idea how much individually, I got this and another item in the 2 for £7 range. (UPDATE: £4.50 for one according to Asda’s website. Probably should have checked that earlier. Soz!)

8/10