I, err, um.
I don’t really know how to tell you all how I came by a packet of Farmfoods Doner Meat. I was of relatively sound mind, hadn’t been drinking or nothing, and I thought it was a good idea to buy. “What’s the worst that can happen?” I thought. “I’m not going to die if I eat it, I mean, I might come close, but I’ll survive” was the inner monologue going through my head as I placed it in the basket. And the good news is, I’m not dead. At least, I don’t think I am. I think I’m alive on the balance of probabilities – one the one hand, I can’t find a pulse, on the other I don’t think Cartesian Demons would spend too much time trying to fool me, so yeah, lets say I’m alive for the purposes of this opening narrative.
Now, a lot of people get snobby about Farmfoods. Let me get this clear from the outset: I am not one of these people, and this blog post will not be a stick with which to bash Farmfoods. OK, they ain’t as good as Bejam’s, but the nearest one of those is a mile further away, and they do good multi-buy deals. Their own brand range of food, “L.A. Diner”, which is in a different state and so Chicago Town’s lawyers can’t touch ’em, is generally a good affair at low low prices – their frozen pizzas are surprisingly nice.
This, however, is a culinary travesty. Let’s have a look at it in action:
I mean, what’s going on here? It’s difficult to know where to start, so here is a list in no particular order:
- Doner meat should not be rectangular
- This stuff goes crispy in the oven after 10 minutes.
- It has the texture of a graveyard
- Tastes like existential dread
- When you open the packet, it smells like someone has farted on it
There are absolutely no redeeming features about this product. None whatsoever. Let’s have a look at the ingredients:
As you can see, much like myself late at night when I can’t decide if I want the lamb or the chicken, neither could they, so they put both in. Oh, and some cow. The difficulty when eating this was to work out which ones were which – when you have a mixed kebab, it’s usually obvious which pieces are lamb, and which are chicken. Hang on – surely they don’t mean that the meats are combined in the doner meat itself? Good God. And they’ve chucked in some rusk as well. I don’t actually know what rusk is, other than Farley’s and babies can’t get enough of them, but it’s in here. Also – MSG!
Down at the nutritional values – well, it’s not as fatty as I thought it would be – but check out the salt levels. This product is literally made out of 3.62% salt. Having eaten the above whilst writing this, the salt really stands out in the aftertaste, and adds another dimension to the horror.
Anyway, I said I wouldn’t bash Farmfoods, after all, they get a ten from Len and who would I be to disagree with an esteemed celebrity ballroom dancing judge? However, it is important that this post acts as a warning from history: Do not buy this. It’s not like a frozen pizza or curry or Chinese takeaway which can vary from passable to surprisingly good – this is absolutely awful and under no circumstances should be consumed by man or beast.
Farmfoods (UK wide – see www.farmfoods.co.uk for your local branch) – from memory this was about £2 – however it may well be included in multi-deals) – 0/10