Well.
I, err, um.
I don’t really know how to tell you all how I came by a packet of Farmfoods Doner Meat. I was of relatively sound mind, hadn’t been drinking or nothing, and I thought it was a good idea to buy. “What’s the worst that can happen?” I thought. “I’m not going to die if I eat it, I mean, I might come close, but I’ll survive” was the inner monologue going through my head as I placed it in the basket. And the good news is, I’m not dead. At least, I don’t think I am. I think I’m alive on the balance of probabilities – one the one hand, I can’t find a pulse, on the other I don’t think Cartesian Demons would spend too much time trying to fool me, so yeah, lets say I’m alive for the purposes of this opening narrative.
Now, a lot of people get snobby about Farmfoods. Let me get this clear from the outset: I am not one of these people, and this blog post will not be a stick with which to bash Farmfoods. OK, they ain’t as good as Bejam’s, but the nearest one of those is a mile further away, and they do good multi-buy deals. Their own brand range of food, “L.A. Diner”, which is in a different state and so Chicago Town’s lawyers can’t touch ’em, is generally a good affair at low low prices – their frozen pizzas are surprisingly nice.
This, however, is a culinary travesty. Let’s have a look at it in action: 
I mean, what’s going on here? It’s difficult to know where to start, so here is a list in no particular order:
- Doner meat should not be rectangular
- This stuff goes crispy in the oven after 10 minutes.
- It has the texture of a graveyard
- Tastes like existential dread
- When you open the packet, it smells like someone has farted on it
There are absolutely no redeeming features about this product. None whatsoever. Let’s have a look at the ingredients:
As you can see, much like myself late at night when I can’t decide if I want the lamb or the chicken, neither could they, so they put both in. Oh, and some cow. The difficulty when eating this was to work out which ones were which – when you have a mixed kebab, it’s usually obvious which pieces are lamb, and which are chicken. Hang on – surely they don’t mean that the meats are combined in the doner meat itself? Good God. And they’ve chucked in some rusk as well. I don’t actually know what rusk is, other than Farley’s and babies can’t get enough of them, but it’s in here. Also – MSG!
Down at the nutritional values – well, it’s not as fatty as I thought it would be – but check out the salt levels. This product is literally made out of 3.62% salt. Having eaten the above whilst writing this, the salt really stands out in the aftertaste, and adds another dimension to the horror.
Anyway, I said I wouldn’t bash Farmfoods, after all, they get a ten from Len and who would I be to disagree with an esteemed celebrity ballroom dancing judge? However, it is important that this post acts as a warning from history: Do not buy this. It’s not like a frozen pizza or curry or Chinese takeaway which can vary from passable to surprisingly good – this is absolutely awful and under no circumstances should be consumed by man or beast.
Farmfoods (UK wide – see www.farmfoods.co.uk for your local branch) – from memory this was about £2 – however it may well be included in multi-deals) – 0/10
Shawarma Police 
Thank I was just thinking of buying some after tasting my wife qourn curry..which would be better?
All I need to see is your picture of your meal to know that you’ve got this all wrong. Kebab should be served with a chilli sauce and some coleslaw. The meat should be microwaved to keep the kebab texture. Microwave for 2 minutes and then flip the meat over, place back in the microwave for a further 1 and a half minutes. Kebab should be insulated to keep warm. Usually in a wrap with silver foil wrapped around the bread, however I enjoy on the plate providing I eat it before it goes cold. For £2 you get a great deal. Buy it on Wednesday, stick it in the freezer and forget about it until Friday night when you’re starving at 11pm, throw on a movie and enjoy the entire bag and you’ve got a kebab shop kebab for less than half the price! 10/10
Joseph – I’m not sure what planet you’re from, but doner meat should always be served in pitta bread with shredded lettuce, cucumber slices, tomato slices, shredded raw onion and MAYONNAISE. I agree with you on the coleslaw, though.
To the author – thanks for sharing your review. I am going to try this bag of beefy lamb chicken the next time I am in Farmfoods. When I crave a kebab, I usually get a 400g pack of lamb mince, put it in a bowl and throw in some spices and breadcrumbs, mix it all together with my hands to form one giant oblong shaped sausage, wrap it tight in foil and then stick it in the oven in a lasagne dish for 40 minutes. Then I take it out and let it stand for 20 minutes with the foil on. When it’s cooled, I slice off strips with my breadknife and stick it in a pitta, as described above, and serve with some oven chips. It is very tasty, very similar to takeaway shops, and I know exactly what’s in it! The downside is that it’s a bit of a faff to get all the ingredients and make it….but well worth it! For bonus points, you can crisp it up with a blow torch, but it’s still tasty without doing that.
chop the meat up into preferred shape, zap a handful of meat in microwave for 90 seconds…. , i use a warm panini type bread, once you put on red hot chilli sauce, you’ll never know or care what it looks like, it tastes fine to me
Just tried this product almost made me vomit as soon as it came out of the microwave.
Threw it out straight away along with the other bag that was still in the freezer.
Farmfoods have some great products and deals but this sadly is not one of them.
Completely inedible.
I have had this a few times and compared to other frozen kebab meat I have tried, it is one of the better ones.
Regrettably, the photo shows that this doner meat was overcooked. It looks like the bits you get when you go into the kebab house at 4 a.m. when the meat was sliced hours ago.
Having a fab kebab juicy and packed with flavour!, are you sure you cooked the kebab meat correctly, it must be covered in foil?
To be fair, I didn’t cover it with foil, no, but I don’t recall that instruction appearing on the packet…
I cooked it in the oven without foil – came out fine.
So I was in Farmfoods today and picked up a couple of bags of this doner meat (2 big bags for £3). I cooked it and put it in a wrap with some mayo and raw onions – it was actually much better than I was expecting. Next time I will add some lettuce. I’d definitely recommend cooking it in the oven instead of the microwave – it takes a bit longer (10 minutes or so, as opposed to 4 minutes in the microwave), because it will be a bit more juicy and more evenly cooked. You can also fit more on an oven tray than a microwave plate. Obviously, it’s not quite as good as your favourite kebab shop, but it’s pretty damn good as a cheap, quick and easy substitute.
I buy this regularly – in fact it’s the only reason I go to Farmfoods – and the best way to prepare it is to steam it.
I have it on a Riya’s nan from a ‘big’ Asda with salad, Crucials’ garlic mayo sauce and sriracha.
So there you go.
Well, I always oven cook it covered in foil (as it says on the pack) yes – it is easy to over cook – so don’t go pouring that extra can until you’ve sorted it out – serve in pitta (rayan bakery lebanese pitta is best from middle eastern shops dotted around the UK if available as most supermarket pitta is – sorry, just pittiful(!)) add sliced onion,tomato,lettuce,mayonaise and there you go. I am waiting for chicken shwarma kebab meat to appear…((PS; I did have an issue with this meat in June 21 – a dodgy batch perhaps that was very pink & unseasoned – though it seems to be back to normal now)
It stinks… I’ve had it twice, and both times it’s give me a terrible morning after. It also smells like it’s off… I’ve tried many times and it’s bad meat … Most stuff from FF is good… It smells bad, tastes bad and makes us bad…
I bought this and tried cooking it a few different ways. I tried putting it in the oven like the instructions say, it comes out a bit dry. I tried stir-frying it from frozen (with peppers, onion, & mushroom) and it stir-fries brilliantly.
I was recommended this by a friend…. All I can say is I’d rather have been eating dog meat. It was disgusting