*as told to Will from Shawarma Police

Hey buddy! What’s going on, huh? We’re the Waitresses from Ohio, U.S.A! You might remember us from such songs as “Christmas Wrapping”, and other ones we did! When we’re not touring and recording great new albums (i.e. everything we’ve done since we split up in 1984), we like nothing more than going to Scotland on holiday to eat festive foodstuffs that are contained entirely within a corn or wheat based round flatbread.

We got on a real big airplane across the pond, and when we arrived, boy, were we hungry! We jumped on a subway to Saint Enoch, where we were told there was a market of some kind where we could get a fine range of crepes, exotic meats, German beer and fancy doodads, but we weren’t interested in this stuff, no siree Bob! We went straight for the good stuff – the wraps!

Terry from the band hit this joint: The Roast Wrap Co. joint! It looked pretty rad! Rad’s still a word, right? It was like a shed from a back yard in downtown Detroit, except it had fancy lights and baubles, and it was filled with food, not guns. We went and had a look at the menu:

Yorkshire Pudding? What the hell is that??? We spoke to our English cultural expert, on our cellphone live from the crime scene, and he explained it was basically a pancake. Why not just call it a pancake for crying out loud??? You Goddamn Brits with your limey nonsense. So Terry goes ahead and buys this thing. Turkey, Pork and Haggis were the options – and as Haggis is illegal back in the good ol U S of A, we went safe and got the pork option.

As you can see from the photo, this was a whole Goddamn Thanksgiving in my tiny, oh so tiny hand! It came with “gravy”, which the broad behind the counter said was what the Brits use instead of steak sauce. But what all this green stuff? Runner beans? This things can’t run? What a country. There was also carrots, and other rabbit food in there. It was also tiny. I mean, back home in the states we’re used to ginormous portions. You can go into an Arby’s and by a burger the size of a pick-up truck – this by comparison was an insult to the American Dream, to those brave men and women who shouted “Manifest Destiny!” as they expanded their waistlines westwards. This cost seven UK pounds, which is what, ten bucks? You could buy a house for that! And a special mention to the lady who put this thing in a Breville brand sandwich toaster to warm it up. The thing came apart in the grill, but when Terry told her this, she wasn’t even slightly concerned.

The Waitresses give this place 3 out of 10, or, as the saying goes, “Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! But I think I’ll give the Roast Wrap Co. a miss next year”

Meanwhile, Barrington from the band is over at this other place, the other side of the tube station – Indian Delights! And you can clearly see “de lights” here – we counted 45 of the little things whilst we was queuing to get some food. Now, this place looked the real deal – Lovejoy, our favourite British guy would have been proud! They cooked all the grub in some kind of huge wok, much like those places back home on Man vs Food (USA show), and our stomachs were a-rumblin’.

We had a look at this places menu:

The kebab didn’t look up to much – the guys here were just chucking what appeared to be frozen, pre-sliced kebab meat into this giant pan, where it was being cooked along side some onions and green bell peppers. We read this blog’s regular guys review of the frozen kebab meat before – sweet mother of God, who’d wanna eat that shit? So we went for the Chicken Tikka option. We had no idea what this was, but we gave it a go anyways. They were doing the same thing as the kebab stuff, except this stuff was fresh chicken, marinaded in some kinda yellowy brown sauce, kinda like a Philly Cheesesteak, except this weren’t no American cheese, no! This was like a kinda cumin tasting thing. They scooped a whole bunch of this stuff onto a Mexican soft taco flatbread and folded it up, and this was the end result:

Now, I don’t know what the hell that was I just ate, but I sure enjoyed it! The chicken was perfectly cooked, tender and juicy, the sauce it came with was hella good! (Is “hella” still a thing?), but why in the world was an Indian place using Mexican cornbread to wrap up it’s wares? I read on Wikipedia that those guys have got other, better breads that they can use! Granny bread, is that right? Its a British colloquialism I just don’t get. Anyways, this otherwise hit the spot – the portion was well short of the American dream yet again, but for seven bucks, or what you limeys call “a fiver”, there was no complaints from Barrington.

The Waitresses hereby give Indian Delights seven out of ten, and to coin a phrase “Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, I think I’ll go back to Indian Delights next year”

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Glasgow’s Christmas Market at St. Enoch (you can’t miss it, it’s right by the Subway Station) is open until Friday the 22nd. You have ONE WEEK! There’s another one at George Square as well, but the Waitresses were unavailable for comment on that one.

If you enjoyed this post, or even if you didn’t, you should probably buy their Christmas song, Christmas Wrapping, available on iTunes, Amazon, Google Play and all these other places. Stop something horrific like Fairytale of New York getting to number one.